blessed!

2007-05-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

this is go gonna be a post from the heart, speaking honestly cos im going crazy.

okay, you know what.
stop pissing me off.

this is my blog
my FREEDOM of thoughts.

im sorry if it affects
simple solution my dear, dont read.
and i seriously will appreciate if you could stop commenting abt my post(keep them to yourself) to others cos i changed alot of url alrdy. thanks :D

really, stop controlling me and leave some space for me to be ME and space for me to breathe. reading my blog or not is your choice, lettting it affects or not, its your choice too.
please stop ... ... . please. its irritating enough
appreciate your understanding for now.

2007-05-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

still i changed.
know its really troublesome, im sorry.

yongling moved.

http://sheepofchrist.livejournal.com

continue to look to Christ
tts all i can say
i hope its not cos of me

2007-05-07T03:43:00.000-07:00

i was so tempted to change to livejournal today!
but ): i dont think i know how to use livejournal though.
school today was alrights and im craving for shark fin soup now ):

okay, me and my randomness.
something happened but i dont know what, and i want to know badly ):
but somehow i feeel that im not allowed. AAAHhhhh

i know amanda miss me. ((:

2years
Jesus stand by me
Jesus be the reason i live.

Be all this heart is living for.

and i love my classs! W15F rocks.

2007-05-06T04:01:00.000-07:00

something called rare.

i love the tu-tu ((:

she really capture all my attention.

hey, NUS professer (:

just a few pics, take me quite some time to upload. alot more, but didnt want to post all(: indeed, a beautiful place, a special trip. had quite an enjoyable time there, tho i dont really know those ppl that i went with, i thank God for them. i love the view from the mountain top. beautiful God, wonderful creation. had good time relaxing and free from hectic life. the whole trip was slow-paced, and i really can see how life is so simple for them... perhaps hard.

On a more serious note, you dont have to go on short mission trips to have an eye-opening experience. it doesnt take long for me to feel and realise how they really need to see, they really need to know that Jesus is the ans for everything. my heart sank at how they worship almost everything, every "gods". i really pray that one day, they will see the Light and know that they have always been loved. pray on

this could be the start of something new
I know that something has changed
Never felt this way
I know it for real

losing all for Christ

2007-05-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

from then till now.
i like this picture! how sturbborn i can be all the times (:

how deep is my anchor? i still like my ex-cg name, under construction.
in the process of construction*

never let You go, take control Lord.

"Father, take me as You find me. Collect those tears and make something beautifully out of it to glorify Your name. You have been teaching me how to let go for so long and i see myself sturbbornly holding onto something which i know only God can restore it. Father, teach me to love You alone more, no matter what it takes, no matter whats the cost, i want to choose to walk on and proclaim aloud that You alone are my Father. Help me Lord, to get out of my self-centeredness and to fill my mind and thoughts with the things upon Your heart. Father, take those pain and use them for You glory. I lay them down before Your throne of grace. Father, bring me back to the cross and let me bow in adoration once again."

hiding place, constructing... *4may-6may and counting

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrender
All I am is yours

2007-05-01T21:18:00.001-07:00

Comparision leads us to no where and eventually leads to jealously and hatred.
hmmm.. bad thing to do, no wise.

but tts human nature, we compare things, we compare people. dont you just hate it when you are being compared to something else? bummer.

okay, i know im being damm random, anyways i din go school today. ):

SHOUT OUTS:

kor: speechless as i can be, im still encouraging, still walking with kor (: no more comparision cos its never ending. im just me, the way God created. and you are a kor tt God blessed me with. and perhaps others too.. never give up, love that God intends is not posesessive, mei remb tt.

garry: ((: look to Christ, our own energy can only last for awhile. you are doing fine in CG, :D this battle belongs to the Lord.

mp. enjoyed myself talking to you! and love being on ride, haha. thank god you braked in tim (: jiayou, know you are really so torn in btw, but hang in there and watch as He works. (:

hannah: picturess with you sooon ))): MISS.

AHHHHH, sillygirl running away..
to a place where tears flow freely, a place where ppl can love freely..

2007-05-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today.
a day when i decided to let go. and i feel so much better knowing tt there is still ppl ard tt will care alot, so it means it doesnt make a difference if im there or not. i believe things will get better for you too. know it has been a long struggle and hard period, but hang in there k, to see the sun rise the next new morning. i believe you can, cos we have Jesus. so gonna be tough, but im struggling too, maybe even more.

i cant conclude that today is a happy or sad day. but definitely a day that i thank God for. those unspeakable pain, those silence understanding, those unsaid care, those painful looks, those pls talk to me smiles..

school tmr... and im so sick and tired. thinking of skipping lesson tmr. i neeed to rest, i neeed to go away. from those crowd of ppl and i dont want to be one of them who always want your attention. cos its never-ending, its too tiring. its so not me anymore. then i realised, changes happen all the times.

you are just a part of me i cant let go.

2007-04-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

Take me beyond this ordinary life.

With you I pray my heart will stay.

Take me beyond this ordinary life.

because You are all im living for.

2007-04-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

spent the late afternoon at johnson's hostel. haha, its so funny. amazing how everyone likes to sing and how talented they are(((:

i think the night view from his house balcony is really nice! *snap* ((:

okay, school been fine this week. just that i got "C"s for my daily grade. irritating! and im sick the whole day ytd and still is sick now, this nose is really killing me. it gets me so frustrated can! and it really drains me lah. )): but still, im alive lah. quite sick and tired of having to do reflection journal everyday and killing alot of my brain cells during presentation and all. but well, the most fun part is still being with my classmates. they are a crazy bunch of idiots. haha, nah, im kidding ah. *run*

decided not to play floorball today, cos like i said, im sick lah. im so looking forward to flying off soon. i neeeeed a runaway break. haha, just for awhile and of cos genting is something i super super look forward to. i miss those fellowship with you ppl. ):

and i reallyreally seriously want to go on a mission trip this dec. pray hard ! that my mum will allow. and theres a better chance now since she knows sam and kor. ((: but tt still doesnt give me the green light to go ):

time has a habit of slipping away...

2007-04-26T04:21:00.000-07:00

okay, i should blog about knowing Christ has a purpose for me in RP.
RP may not be the 1st choice or where you want to be, but look again, see His purpose in store for you.

walking ard the campus, im reminded of the campus crusade motto.
"...so that everyone in the campus can see someone who truly follows Jesus."
this phrase really challenged me to dare proclaim that im a follower of Jesus and His faithfulness in my life. looking ard me, i have not felt that sense of burden and desire to go and do big things for God so strongly for really long. i guess this burden and desire for His people is one that He had placed in my heart even before i knew i will go RP.

in all situations, His ways are always higher.

shout outs:

HANNAH: thanks for those priceless photos dear ((:

MP: hey, catch up sooooooooooon. jiayou at work k .

OLD MAN: lols, thanks for all those reminders. it helps!

BERYL: ((: thanks, God sees that heart.

WEIJIE: you freak! hahahahaha, you freak. always disturbs me, *slap* haha, you nonsense freak, makes me laugh so much! (((((:

letting go, cos all these wasnt mine to hold.

i know it full well, (:

2007-04-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

my endless plain *

take a step slower, and look ard you.

life can be beautiful;

this is taken from the bus stop downstairs my house.

:D

2007-04-23T06:33:00.000-07:00

MONDAY BLUES ))):
haha, faizal and fanni and me was talking abt love sick today, bummer.
today was pretty cool, went to school cafe with few of my classmates today. and we really cant stop laughing lah! man, johnson's friend sing really well ((:

haha, thats fiz. better dont let her know i post this, she will kill me lah. HAHA xD
but she's a really funny and crappy and crazy felllow.

and thats her specs im wearing, haha. think its pretty cool lah, haha. but well, i really laugh quite abit today at the cafe, nonsense classmates, ever so fun-loving!

man, i got a priceless video, but i couldnt upload it! ah )): its on how johnson admit that he's a gay! haha :D and you should look at the way he say it, and he pose! with a twist. and seeing how we laugh like mad. ((: but yah lah, what he meant was happy, gay=happy. better clarify here, if not he will kill me too, haha

alrights, short post for a short laughing day. thanks peeeps :D

somethings are better left unsaid, i know it myself. ((((:

smile on :D

2007-04-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy.
I am empty
but I know Your Love does not run dry.
So I wait for you
and I wait for you

I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

Broken I run to You
for Your arms are opened wide.
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life.
So I wait for you, and I wait for you

i dont know... but ive been wanting to have my passion renew. and there have been issues in my life that God wants me to let go and surrender, surrender fully.And coming to realise that this life im living is not abt me, not abt my relationships with others, not abt how i feel, not abt whats going on in my life, not abt my struggles with ppl and God,but its abt glorifying God. its about God. yes, its so much easier said then done, this christian life, nothing i can never be in control of.

i guess the harder part is always surrendering to God something impt and something that ive always thought that i could deal with and be in control of. of cos, times when i just sturbbornly and foolishly want things my way and believing that thats the best for me. but most of times thats not always the case, cos God's ways are not mine, and of cos, His ways are better, always.

A thousand times ive failed
still your mercy remains.
Your cross before my eyes.

2007-04-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

anyway, im so screwed for today lesson, whatever. ))))))):
school getting better i hope. one thing i really thank God for is my class, some thing i couldnt control/ choose. they are really fun ppl, and we can just laugh the whole day. life's much better with laughter and being caught up with lots of work.

went ltp today.passion.
and i told some of you before that i realised my passion, okay more of like ministry is more for older ppl actually, more then children. and perhaps children ministry are just somewhere i enjoy serving but its not my passion.

talked to sam a little today. and i must say i really enjoy just spending time with him. time flies and ive been with him in cg for 5 years. been under his leadership and once again i believe we learnt alot from each other. one relationship im ever thankful for. THANKYOU SAM, alot. for just being yourself.

captain's ball tmr at 10am-12pm.
SFC, thanks so much for all the effort put in for events and lets keep having that passion for evangelism yah.
okay, this is a pretty random post, cos im just thinking aloud. so pardon me pls((:

good enough

2007-04-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

"love isnt about the words we say

the actions we take

the things we do
the hearts we break.

Its about people who can look at each other and just know"

got this from ximin's phone and thought it was really in a way cool (:

had ag dinner just now.
God's good, still is.

im comforted just knowing that God sees everything when human can't see it all.

Be my defender.

2007-04-19T03:02:00.000-07:00

had tuition at Jabez house ytd, my gosh, i really love this little loveable princess man!

she really makes my day. she will come running to me and says " i want take photos!, jie jie!, i want draw, jie jie, read to me!" and she really come running to hug you. she really knows how to pose with style haha. and the best part is she really prays with her heart. she melts my heart.

when she prays and say grace for her food, i really can see her sincerity and joy as a child basking in the love of her heavenly Daddy. that reminds me of that kind of child-like faith we had.

oh anyway, presentation today was bad and i really hate this module! ): ): i had choc today! thanks peeeps :D :D and thanks for the sandwiches. and the many companion online during boring lessonss. (:

school will get "funner!"

:)

2007-04-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

first day of school was good today, super crowded and all but everything was good.

thank God that i met leonard and mervin for lunch! it was great and im glad i bumped into qiuyun too!

done my reflection journal and evaluations at the woodlands library just now. online is part of my life now, haha, its a everyday thing. and somehow, im getting independent to it now. presentation was good today too, kinda enjoyed myself too :D

alrights, a short post before i sleep, and get ready for another chapter of life tmr!

oh and i can infra-red pics to my laptop from my phone! (:

this pic is my ever ever beloved. it reminds me of alot of things and this item is something i hold closely to me all the times! my key's keychain (: the times i mug for Olevels(cafe, pool, companion...) , the wonderful badge from my wonderful kor, the prettychain from ximin, the nice 'made in heaven' badge! ive learn to be much more obedient to Christ and stop myself from knocking into the wall so many times. and still, i miss it all, all (:

nights, everyone of you.

(:

2007-04-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

played floorball in church today. was great and finally some running. met yokeyee for dinner at newton and we really eat ALOT!

just wondering abt what it means to have it all. i think im somone who knows what it means to have it all and what it means to lose it all. i dont know, its a weird experience and definately, God gives and He takes away. i used to have almost everything i needed, and i think God needs to break me down so that i know that all these comes from Him alone and even my ministry is not mine, but His. and surrendering to Him all the aspects of my life is really important, including those valued relationships that i sturbborn-ly refuse to let go, ...i had to. and i believe one day God will bring restoration to those relationships and hurts.

i believe, and i know You are always there.

the promise of a life time.
i promise you the answer will come.
everything, beautiful, in His time.

hannah: you cant imagine how much i enjoy laughing and just being with you! :D
MP: ! hey, thanks for everytthing man, im always assured by you man, thanks.
weisheng: hey, (: thanks so much. im thankful for the way you choose to focus on Jesus, you can do it.
amanda: hey, know you been studying hard, hold on, and move on with Christ k.

im really really sorry, i know ive been cold.

Jesus loves

2007-04-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

today was a funny day, so many things happened.
and it was a extremely tired day. i had migraine the whole day. and i mean seriously the whole day. bad feeling anyways. even now im still having migraine.

sarah doing work at my place, and she's sick too. pray for her (:

time flies, and im starting school on monday. im quite excited yet not, i dont know. its really an entirely different system from what i used to be in, but in alot of ways, i think its good for me cos it will definately train me to be more independent than now. im so looking forward to that more independent me.

th stupid migraine is really killing me.
okay last thing, i hope all of us will place all pride aside and with His love choose to decide to forgive. its from a a song, and i really like that song, it speaks alot to me.

pride is such a real thing.
and somehow i felt, we should get rid of it and come into God's presence with humility.

yongling cont to love, becos Jesus loves, even to the cross.

struggle with hope

2007-04-12T20:24:00.001-07:00

i miss eating honey crabs!
i miss going to VIVOcity!
i miss going to NUS!
i miss eating at marina square!
i miss eating hazelnut ice cream!
i miss those random dinner/lunch we had!
i miss those companion and friendships!
i miss laughing with the whole lot of you.
i miss talking with the whole lot of you.
i miss studying with the whole lot of you.

you know sometimes we just have to come to realise that some things can only remain in our memories :) and its good enough. im glad that i can say i miss them cos i once had them :D

and as we move on and look to Jesus, new things happen and there will be new memories too. and we can always draw strength from Christ, the One who truly never stop loving. music really influences my mind man, sad songs makes you start thinking and get pretty depressed, but happy songs have another effect. but somehow i think sad songs have a greater impact.

yongling needs to have more self-confidence. (: becos my strength and confidence is in Christ alone. becos God sees what i struggle and how hard i try, i will try even harder and seeing Him moulding me shall always be a joyful process. In Jesus name i pray that, "while i live i will praise the Lord; i will sing praises to my God while i have my being."- psalm 146:2 becos He alone deserves it all, Lord help me to turn to You under all circumstances and situations, and take me as You find me. thankyou Lord that a broken and contrite heart you will not despise. i will cont to struggle, but i will struggle with hope in Christ, be my everything.

with the love and grace of God, we will carry on.

i asked

2007-04-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

republic republic, we'r cool, we'r cool
republic republic, we rule, we rule
...
republic republic one dream one dream

haha, the whole cheer thing been stuck in my mind for like the whole day lah . today was pretty fine, just super tiring, super. praying for a purpose-full life in republic. had tuition with marc today too.

okay, i need to go sleep soon, been having serious migraine. i think i probably die of brain tumor or something soon. not intending to go school tmr anyways, too tired and i want to go ltp tmr night (: and there's youth EE this sat, cool cool. and SFC meeting too!

i really love the sentence-
a distance that was felt, a distance i couldnt run.
garry (:
or rather
the distance that was felt, a distance i couldnt run.
thanks garry (:

letting go, cos all these wasnt mine to hold.

...

2007-04-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

The Answer For A Guilty Conscience

Hebrews 9:1414
"How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?"

i want to be dwelling in the richness of His grace.
Lord, cleanse me once again with th blood of Christ.
thankyou Jesus for saving me when i couldnt save myself.

my cg.
they still rocks and i still really miss them, they are all super busy and we havent been able to meet up, but im still looking forward to cg outing two weeks later! (: and sam been really busy and sick, you are in my prayers alrights? miss meeting up with you, really.jessica having exams soon! jiayou ya? lovelove. farand! haha, (: you are doing better then better, press on.

sfc.
im glad things are getting better and i really want to thank God for Jabez. im thankful for the fact that i can talk to Jabez, about ministry and sometimes about my life. sfc, more to come and more to endure and learn and im sure we will grow together! (: remb sat's meeting! pray sports evangelism.

NLT.
man, im so looking forward to the next session. (: i know ive alot more to learn and alot more to surrender to Christ. alot more

relationships.
ha, this part of it, no one will understand what i have to say. haha, but its fine. cos all i need to know now is tt Jesus sees and He knows those struggles. and those times when i fight and refuse to let go till i realised i really need to. i know things will be better for all when Christ takes over. letting go, cos all those wasnt mine to hold.

just a short post before i rush off for RP orientation now. God's in control and i want to thak Him for that.
no matter how hard i try, i cant do it.
Lord, help me to focus on You alone and entrusting all those valued relationships into Your healing hands.

broken hearts

2007-04-11T06:27:00.000-07:00

okay, i seriously dont know what to blog about. cos i seriously dont want to blog about orientation, just wasnt fanstatic, but thank God for it still.

yongling*slaps, wake up! better dont start dreading school before it even starts k. and i thank God for the online people who is talking to me now, which definately encourages me lots! garry and wong. jessica, wong been really encouraging and funny, hahas :D yes, the road in front of us are never easy but we have God to rely on, amen to that wong! and yes, he's modern, heh.

you know, i have been thinking about the issue of comparing. like sometimes i know i dont like to compare and to be compared, but in a way, no matter how hard i try to not compare, i find myself in the end feeling "small" and inferior comparing to some others. i want to trust God for more love and joy man, really. i hate feelings! yucks and when you start thinking too much, life just doesnt makes sense anymore. i can survive just because Christ is for me, no one can be against me. and i dont need to rely on anyone anymore.

letting go aint easy, but God has been good. alot of grace which keeps me going and focusing on other more important things and constantly reminding me about how everything will be beautiful in His time. people change, God never will. i hate changes, but yah, who likes? a big part of my life had changed and im learning to adapt to new environment and of cos adapting to the fact that im alone in these(in a way, i know you ppl are walking with me. but i need to walk out of it myself) and i need to be independent, cos ppl change.

and yes, orientation tmr again, more of games and people. RP's fine lah, just that i dont really like the whole online based thing system cos it is really not very good. and im slowly starting to see why im placed there and all, God, help me love RP!

im letting go
becos all that wasnt mine to hold
and i hope deep down you know
that all i want is to move on and let it go

In His time, we'll see
how beautiful things could be
rather then, insisting it my way
i want to trust things to unfold in His ways.

becos Christ nv stop loving, yongling wont stop loving.

orientation tmr

2007-04-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

after so long of holidays, working, slacking, im finally starting school officially.

orientation tmr! okay, i been whining the whole day abt orientation tmr today, haha. but maybe there's cause i really need to whine abt it! heh.

i thank God for this long break that i had, working and doing alot more stuff and of cos spending time with some people (: when school starts, im not very sure what and how it will be. its pretty exciting, tt i know. the next step of life, seeing how God will continue to unfold His purpose in my life.

this period of break, i spent time with people that i havent really talked to for a really long time and of cos i sort more things out.

caleb leng: man, i really praise God for more time spent this holiday! haha, remb the times in EYC and all. thanks for that effort and time spent. God has always been more than good, press on. i enjoy laughing and talking to you, always always look to Christ (:

joshua: hey :D :D thanks, for all those joys you brought into my life. for constantly reminding me that i was never alone and that i have brothers like you and God ard for me. keep serving, keep growing and keep loving.

raymund: hey, i see those effort and yes, serving is never easy and esp being a servant leader, hang in there. Christ will cont to be in the centre of all.

sulwyn: thanks, for listening and willing to talk more now. we struggle along the way but Christ is the One we want to live our lives for. broken down to be lifted up again, forget to heal the pain, give up our rights to get even, remb?

beryl: this holiday has been great with you too, girl. the silly things we do and laugh at. a friendship i will never stop thanking God for. keep growing too ya? God has a great plan for you, for your family, for your cg and your ministry.

hannah: of cos, more photos and more laughters dear. and more tags and love.

val: what more can i say? you are one girl that never stop making me laugh throughout my break these months. you press on okay? you too, are never alone.

mervin: hey, thanks for the times that you are always so willing to accompany me to school and all. and for the times when your presence without words are just enough. :)

daryl: this holiday wont end beautiful without a dinner with you.

and of cos, i spent a little more time talking more to amanda, jie, farand, jess, garry, yoke yee and shern and some others. and i thank God once again for this new start tmr and for more exciting journey ahead. of cos there are still some ppl i have yet to talk to but i trust God for His time and His plan to continue to unfold and love to continue to flow and forgiveness to heal.

a great break, with joy and of course hurts to deal with and pain to surrender. too many things had happened that i cant blog abt. too many feelings that are indescrible, too many emotions that are not explainable, too much pain to talk abt forgiveness, too much tears to talk abt trust. but much love from Jesus makes me cant stop going on, and makes me keep on trusting, loving and forgiving His people.

yongling is learning and still is

the promise stays

Jesus knows me fully

love that God intends is not possessive

just a while

2007-04-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

love that God intends is not possessive.

yongling will never stop smiling and loving.

one more day to RP orientation.

2007-04-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

for when all things fade away and changes
i still have my memories, that will stay.

i have my reasons.

2007-04-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

different
in personalities
in character

indeed, it takes alot to be a leader. in the show "barn yard", someone said, a leader is someone who cares. there is alot of different leadership style too, everyone leads and serve differently.and sometimes i wondered, how much is enough? how do we define whether we care enough, whether we tried our best? how much is enough?

have you come to a place/church, when you felt tt no one notice you, no one cares? no one sees what you are doing? no one appreciates?

"i dont feel cared for enough"
"i dont really feel welcome"
"i dont think ppl try hard enough to talk to and reach out to me"
"i dont have a sense of belonging here/there. "
"i dont think...."
does all these sounds familiar?

i guess alot of us have gone thru that phase of life. and after that, when we are more stable and all, look back. think. for those leaders and ppl who have stood by you thru that. how many times have they been discouraged by those questions and words?

its indeed pretty discouraging and im sure alot of them [of course they are glad by those heartfelt sharing] went back and wondered to themselves, have i really tried hard enough?and im sure along those periods, they probably have got lots of frustrations and disappointments, with others and of course with themselves.

as i look back and think, i felt that there's one very impt question for ourselves, (those who are feeling like this, in a way, im sure many of us are, whether we say it / not.) have we ourselves in the first place tried? try to make a difference, in our lives and in others.

i read a book and that one sentence jumps out at me. when your QT becomes inconsistent, its the begining of your backslide journey. somehow, i think its a reminder from God to keep my path with Him right. sometimes im just so busy doing His work and my work and sub-consciously, i had neglected the One who sees it all. And somewhat, i think its God reminder to all of you too, satan can get us so busy with work and all that we spend lesser time praying, reading His word and being in His presence, the work we are doing can also be ministry work.

i guess when our walk with God is not constant, we will start to complain more in a way and slowly and surely, you see yourself heading nowhere and away from church and all. to me, i think its a choice, to decide to come back or go away. you know something? we can be on that run from God forever, forever, but we can never hide from God. He sees where we are, He sees what we feel and He knows why we are running even when sometimes we dont even know. As much as you will not agree, our God sees where you are right now, He sees right thru you into your heart. He knows that pain and hurt and even anger in you, and He knows the reason behind all these.

He's our Father, all He wants is our trust and obedience. hear Him say " come back, my child" today. im pretty sure it hurts Him alot when we hurt, when we choose to turn away. this is something that im learning to hold onto and let that truth of God cares deeply sinks in my heart.

hear Him ask, and hear Him say

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?

Oh heart of mine, come back home...

just as you are

some shouts out:

FARAND: hey. :D you have been doing great with us, this new cg. and i can never be thankful enough for all your effort to do so much :)

JOSHUA: (: you are simply wonderful lah, i seriously thank God for the lengs and for always sending me encouragement thru you (:

RAYS: hey sorry abt sunday, i know you was quite pissed, but i really din want to go so far at a late afternoon, wells.

GARRY: wei, working life is diff ah, haha. thanks for all your reminders really. and i assure you that i see your effort to talk in cg and all. stand firm in the Christ ALONE.

MP: what else to say? haha, rock on,partner :D

HANNAH&AMANDA: ah, i love you/s :D friday! <33333333.

2007-04-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

i dont know why.

but today, time seems to pass very slowly.

letting this season pass seems like its taking forever.

i dont know why.

but recently, things feel abit different.

some things are good to have a change

but some i rather they stay the same.

love is something that comes from God

love is patient, love is kind.

perfect love drives out fear

you cant see, but im trying. maybe time really has a habit of slipping away...

IN HIS TIME

2007-04-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

*everything in its time-corinne may

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round
*
Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer, To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say
*
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
*
I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe
*
'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

God is l0ve

2007-04-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

i love this pic alot, yellow, my ever happy colour. love alot alot. LOVES

you know while helping others and all, i realised i answered alot of those questions and questions i never knew what to say abt when others asked me. again, i gonna say, insecurites is such a real thing and its something tt the devil always use to discourage me and all the times, he succeeded.

looking back at those past 5months, its alot abt learning more of myself and of course accepting others and myself. and realising the fact that Christ love everyone the same. its been a struggle for me cos i can nv understand why God loves us the same, cos being humans, we are all so self-centered. and sometimes i asked God, why cant He loves me more cos im hurting so badly.

been not wanting to think alot recently, cos i want to choose not to, haha, maybe cos thinking really drains me and my thoughts are not all very nice eh. cos thinking too much, hurts too.

okay, im really deciding to be happier. cos i know being happy is a choice, a decision that i have to choose to make myself. and abt letting go...i . i m trying. as much as i seriously dont want to, i know God can use me more when i chose to surrender and move on. :) He will makes things better.

the pic above, i love it alot. really alot, i did it, i sent it, i received it. its yellow, YELLOW is my happy colour :D and lots of smiles, i want to too. love.love.love.love.

was thinking of leadership. and it just cross my mind abt how alot of times, we think that we always gives and gives to the younger ones. but think abt it, i think younger ones gives too, arent we sometimes get encouraged by them too? sometimes i feel exclusive from leaders, i dont know why, haha. wells.

been sharing with some of you all abit abt my life and struggles recently. its encouraging in a way to always know that im not struggling alone, and God been moulding me. and im running to a God that is my saviour, a God who loves me. okay, yongling will keep that in mind.

because God forgives, i can

because God loves, i can too even when it hurts

whatever that doesnt break me, makes me stronger.

lay it down

2007-03-31T07:48:00.000-07:00

*footprints, walk in love. walk with His love and strength, that extra grace, and smiles.

open sat today was quite fun and ya lah, Jabez and all his weirdness, oh maybe its coolness :)

didnt played flooraball today. just didnt want to play and i was sick lah. )):

recently ive been feeling quite away from the rest. like you know, busy and all and feel quite disconnected in a way too. but still quite fine lah. im meeting some of them real soon, PLS :D :D

and AG dinner tmr? YES

meeting JOSH and AGGIE on tues :D

i need to talk to JABEZ soon

oh and SHERN too :D

and i want to spend time with MY KOR soooooooooooooooonnn...

yes, i need to spend MORE time with God, love.

okay. im feeling sleepy and i think my blog getting more boring, ah can someone assure me its not,heh. you know sometimes i really dont know what to blog abt, there is really just so much i want to say, want to explain, want to sort out. but everytime i reach this window, i really dont know what to type. the things im going thru and feeling and experiencing just cannot be put right in words i guess and its really terrible cos i want to talk abt it, arghh. haha. wells. yongling weird, yucks. i think im starting to think tt im really weird and im quite crazy. EEEKkkkkk.

You are the sheperd

Giving what i could not afford

Leaving the many

You sought to find me low

*

here i know the power of forgivness

here i know the power of your blood.

*

Lord, all im, take them. help me to surrender ALL.

* promiseholdingon

wake up beryl

2007-03-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

i woke up today feeling like i havent sleep at all. haha,maybe cos i went for supper ytd at 1oplus, came back at one plus 2, talk to beryl and slept at 3plus. and its really weird having her sleeping now and im blogging. and you know her? she sleep like no one business and i think if ever theres an earthquake, she also wont bother to wake up. "five more mins" she will say, all the times.

wells, decided to not go over for floorball today. maybe im just too tired and sick and ha, guess that reason. hais. wells wells. but im going church soon, like after beryl bathe and all haha.

alrights, had a good time at supper and then nice time really catching up at rays's house.
God is good, all the time. all.

okay, time to wake that piglet up, this is going to take forever, heh

and i got this really bad headache and this vomitting feeling just doesnt go away. im just too sick and stress man, get out of here. yucks

and yes, thank God im still alive.

2007-03-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

and my brother's back from india :D wheeee

):

2007-03-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

1 peter 5:7 "..cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."

-

i agree with my crappy partner that sometimes it really feels good to have a physical someone standing along side you and just being with you through all those tough times.

-

i felt that all along ive been that someone to certain ppl and past few months i been really burned out. and somehow i think ive sub-conciously been trying to find tt someone and knowing humans, ive been discouraged alot and thousands millions times. you know, its really discouraging and many a times, more than hurting.

-

today QT, yes the verse on top. 1peter 5:7. i was pretty shocked and somehow more encouraged. i remb i ask for asssurance and affirmation just ytd and i got it today. i read the online passage over and over again to let it sink deep in me. to me now, the One who will stand alongside, run alongside, be there to listen, be my company will be Him alone. and i shall hold onto that everlasting peace and love. not gonna say its easy, but... i will struggle more and on.

-

i have this very weird feeling everytime i... . ah, and then i reminds myself tt feelings are just feelings, shoudnt depend on them. like human, i would want someone ard too, but im really glad tt God has been my healer and He ALONE will continue to be. i will make sure of that. and keep my focus on Him. MP and all, pray for me for strength and that i will continue to love on k? (:

-

i belong to NO ONE, but God alone. im His, evermore. and i need to live for Him alone, tts assuring enough.

precious Lord, reveal Your heart<33>

and i just want to say, keep staying strong, no one knows what the future holds, trust in God and guard yourself. He is the peace that guard our hearts. focus on Him and remb He is watching over EVERYTHING that you are doing. stay strong. (: THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE SMALL FONTS!

dying without your joy

2007-03-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

i dont know. besides all the whys questions, i think im kinda bombarded with all the whats?! reactions and questions. i dont know whether to say its a blessing or not. yes, im glad i got help and all, but somehow i... i dont know. seriously, i dont know how i should react and respond most of the times, tt's y i kept quiet. cos i know i will flare up in a way.

i think maybe im just really discouraged. ya, perhaps... God ways are ways tt i can never understand, never see. understanding is such a weird thing, some ppl just dont have that element, and some have in certain situations. perhaps its a gift too, gift that i think maybe you and i will never understand. i think there are alot of areas in my life that need to be restore and clear up. sometimes i really want to go straight up and say, i had enough. but in order to do that, someone has to somehow bother to listen. i never have tt chance to anyways.

broken-ness is such a special thing. did i just say special? ha, cos i think tt's what makes me special all the times. broken-ness. i remb there's a period of time that lucille always use the phrase "broken and moulded". yepps, perhaps so.

draining. yes, this issue with some of you is draining all my joy, strength, energy, passion and love away man. sometimes i felt and i ask myself, is it really just me? and my fault and like my problem, and like the things i do? man, enough craps, give me a chance to move on lah. yes, ppl would say like, aiya let go and just carry on with life. i know that too, 101% knowledge of tt. haha, okay, im sick of tired of saying the same thing over and over again. okay, next. you go reflect yourself,cos i always do self-reflection.

God, i really struggle to love.

You alone sees that heart that keeps trying.

God, fill me again, i proclaim now tt i really cant anymore after so long of discouragement

and failures again and again.

God, i failed.

take me. take me as You find me, broken and drained.

let me know that through it all You will never let me go.

yongling needs assurance and affirmation

2007-03-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

i dont know, but i think im hurting more
maybe its just me.
i promise i wasnt disturbing him.

-

i dont know, sometimes life and situations just gets to me. what have i done? i dont understand.. you know something, im so confused. and i really really need a clear talk and i just want to scream. im trying to move on, im trying. so pls, stop reacting that way.

-

Lord, i pray tt you will draw me closer to you each moment. help me to always always react and respond in love, the love you called us to. you see how hard i struggle to move on, to love, to rejoice. Lord, help me.

-

im really very confused and yes confused now. God, what do you need me to do?
JESUS, hold me into your heart<3your heart <33.

fruit.

2007-03-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

i think this is really pretty, like really.

been quite stressed lately and i can see and sense tension all over.

and when i chanced upon this picture, it kinda reminds me again abt the fruit of the spirit.

yes indeed, love,joy,peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfulness,gentleness,self-control.

oh yes and i cancelled my hospital appointment for the scope today.

no why i guess. i think im just not prepared, and perhaps im scare and hey too stress lah.

i think im fine, dont need to waste money for scope.

i mean i will if the need arise. oh, did it alrdy? wells

thousands and million and billions of thoughts go thru my mind each day.

and it can be really sick and tiring to think sometimes.

thinking drains me man. like really, im starting to dont like thinking.

or maybe think happily. haha.

was listening and watching the new creation sermon by pastor prince.

feeding the five thousands.

i never thought tt it could be understood in such a way. ((:

feel really long since i catch up with some of you man.

rays kor shern sam yoke yee hannah amanda beryl ximin caryn lucille!

and i need to go out with my AG soon, <33>

and pshern havent claim his ice cream treat. (:

oh and amanda too! where's my LUNCH?

haha, yes ray, you owe me a treat too, dont think i dont remb. (:

oh yes, weisheng, you still oweme something :D

...and of course my kor havent bring me out after my Olevels exam, ha. its been ancient.

(but its fine :D )

okay. some shoutouts eh?

JESS: hey busy right? ha, sit down and talk again soon? chatty cum crappy partner eh. jiayou (:

RAY: hey jogging again ah? i got a bad feeling abt tt haha!

MP: :D movies. press on tho.

GARRY: you are doing great with this AG too.

BERYL: cant wait to see you in a few hours time haha.

AMANDA: wei, come back soon, bet u miss me lots.

alrights, somethings are better left unsaid haha. so yeps.

When You caught me I was falling

Your love lifted me back on my feet

It was like You heard my calling

And You rushed to set me free

yongling wants the JOY from my Father.

hold me.

2007-03-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

God, will you collect those tears and make something beautiful out of it?

be that eternal Father.

i will be fine, i know i will be.

im walking now, still walking.

even tho i walk in tears, i know God take those tears and keep them.

and i know God will mix His tears and make something beautiful.

all i once held dear, now i counted loss.

"His merciful kindness is great towards us,

and the truth of the Lord endures forever." -- Psalm 117:2

pop goes my heart.

2007-03-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

came back from floorball early. wasnt feeling too good, not becos of the fall, dont worry. (:im just relaxing now and listening to songs. heh.

ltp and core team meeting later (: somehow being busy with ministry keeps my from thinking too much and oh ya, i saw the same image today again. wells. ): ):

okay, i must be happier, and im so going to listen to the song : POP! goes my heart. cos it makes me happier. it really does. and somehow these days i enjoyed self-encouraging and self-talking, haha. maybe its the extreme of sadness. wells, POP goes my heart.

should go prepare liao, church awaiting me, i hope. heh. but then POP goes my heart. :D

Lord, wont You use me for Your glory, take, take those pains and sorrows and use them for Your sake.

i try and try but i still cant say goodbye.

takeme.

2007-03-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

alrights, had this NLT 1st session today. and it was great altho everyone was tired. (:

recently, i dont really have alot of things to blog abt. except that i went hospital that day and im on medication now. im not like seriously ill lah, but i got 2 appointments with the doc. one for scope and the other for hmmm i dont know also haha. wells, pray for me pls, not feeling very good. and yes, i should be drinking more water.

relationships with people. well, i dont know what to talk abt haha, but still yes relationships with people. i just feel like saying, im so human and im so so not perfect. and i would seek for all your grace and love in times when im too sensitive/ too insensitive. recently, i feel bombarded with what's going on btw myself and others and btw others and others. im juggling btw how i feel and how others feel and how i can make things better, for myself and others. and yes im struggling to love, there is just certain people in my lives that im learning and struggling to love, and some issues i have to learn to accept. examples shouldnt be name here tho. its been a long and painful struggle... to keep my eyes on Jesus and praising Him for the works of His hand.

every week, i struggle to love and stay joyful because of what have happened and..
...alrights move on, yongling.

wells, i think i need to sleep soon, cos tmr got floorball @ 9am. ah, i seriously pray tt i wont see and face the same thing again like i do every other week. *ouch, maybe more than ouchs*

i wrote my conversion testimony today, and this is the last part:

"Life didn’t really change for a better, but instead, it was filled with more trials and challenges along the way. There were many times when I really feel like giving up, when I keep on questioning God and myself. There were painful questions hanging in the air without answers. But behind all the heartaches and struggles, I know that I have a God to rely on, a God who accepts me for who I really am, a God who loves me unconditionally. "

so please, dont let the fire die, cos i can still see the sparks of His love in your eyes.

the love tt goes beyond all

2007-03-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

give me back my point of view, cos i just cant think for you anymore

okay, new start again cool. for me, for my school, for my relationships, for family and for my walk.

was browsing through the past pics of youth ministry at farand photo blog. haha, so funny. and indeed we have all grown much much more (: thru those pains, hurts, falls, joys, friendships and alot more, we have all grown.

recently, life have took a turn. for me and for mummy and i believe for you too. (you, in general). im thanking God for more opportunities to talk and laugh with my kor now. i know God will fix this kinship and it will continue to be a kinship tt is ever close to my heart. and im quite excited about school but more excited abt the meeting tmr night :D and i need to meet some of you soon, real soon.

im getting drowsy, must be the medince, and yes pray tt i will remb my medicine regularly. and tt i will drink more water.

okay, this is one of the sistership tt i never fails to smile at:

BERYL

thanks girl, for the many times we quarrel and the many times we cry together,the many things we laughed together and the many times we just go thru things together. you have been a joy but nonetheless pain for me. (: hhaha, hugs dear.

okay and i saw this long ago photo, and i thought its really nice. the 3 guys captain of SFC now. i believe each of you were ard and called for a purpose. lets work together and lets trust God for a harvest. remb? PRAY SPORTS EVANGELISM. :D bucket of love, sweats, pains, joy. and sul, we are together in this too, for a reason. lets glorify His name fellow captains and servants of Christ. (: endure dearies.

LEONARD EUJIN TIMOTHY SULWYN YONGLING

beecause you chose the nails, we choose You. now and forever, amen

LOSING ALL FOR CHRIST

2007-03-19T01:36:00.000-07:00

okay, at leng house. very long never blog alrdy lah. com spoil. so this is kinda of one in a million post again heh ((:

life's been hmmm ...well i guess. cant find another word to describe. its well but not very well. but at least a little better.

i mean like, come on lah get my focus right, on God and my ministry for His glory. im quite at a loss, of losing, losing so much and still is.

daddy. grief is such a weird thing. it comes and it go, but sometimes it stay for a longer period of time then usual and at times, it lingers ard you. or maybe, it never leaves me. i dont know, but recently ive been really stress and sometimes i just keep hoping and thinking, if only he is still ard, there will not be so many problems. i really really miss him. if only ive prayed harder...

kor. i... i dont know what to blog abt man. nothing much to be said now too tho. whatever it is, whoever it may concerns, he will always be MY kor. sometimes i really hope we could sit down and talk. but i know and you know? things changes over time. and i dont really care abt what others really thinks abt the spending more/less time anymore. i just pray tt this special kinship will not be a seasonal one and tt God will watch over this issue tt is close to my heart, really.

myself. i cant function properly. but i know i will one day. and i know one day when i look back at those hurts, pains and backstabing by others, i will grow more and i can praise God again. every week i go church, i struggle and it really hurts to see the image and things tt is the last thing tt i ever wish i will. i walk into cana hall and i pray, God take control over my mind. this will either break me or make me, so im gg to stay strong, i hope. and here, i plead, stop piercing me.

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Ooh, ooh

Give me back my point of view
Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

yes, losing, all for Christ.

keep me pls, in the deep of your grace.

shout outs:
amanda: !!! (: love you dearly still princess *hugs
jess: Cg still rocks and you too lah,heh. catch up soon, keep cg going ((:
kunquan: wei, thanks alot alot. :D stay strong.
rays: hey, miss catching up in random moments.
SFC: great job. keep shining.
garry: yes yes, will drink more water, haha. :)

and i shall proclaim aloud

great shall be the Lord almighty

for His love endures forever.

let go.

2007-02-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

life have been gettting to me man.

and life been fading away like nobody business.

as much as i have alot to say and alot of shout out thoughts, my vocab just doesnt allowed it to be form into sentences. i just hope that one day, when we look back, we will come to the understanding tt His plan is forever so perfect, and you know, we can never understand. and as i look back, i hope i can say, i struggled and wrestle much, and ive learn to love and to be loved,to forgive and to be forgived. ive fought the good fight, ive run the race, ive kept my faith.

in each situations, i know God has something to teach me. i know, and i hope i can be obedient enough to listen and to do what he says, i hope the assurance tt He knows best and things will get better in His control will sink deeply in me.

You are the savior, im the sinner.

sinner.

where can i flee from your presence...

when i let you go, a part of me died.

lovely people actuall doing work (:

2007-02-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

okay, i know this is a bit lag, haha. but i still wnt to blog abt it. (:

actually love.

1stly, of course, i want to talk abt the committee :D

its been a good experience man, tho there have been many silent tension, we learnt from each other and we work things out (: im so glad to have this opportunity to serve with you all, really. <333

SARAH: hey twin, silen tension sounds really familiar eh? without sarah and her C-ness, i think planning wouldnt be effective and efficient! we are called to be and gathering ppl to it is simply fun and learning from each of them is great right? never regret agreeing to take up this challenge and serving with you.

NAT: hahahahahahaa, okay stop laughing (: nat, she's so funny, she's really nice. you can see from situations tt her expression changes and even when ppl cant get her point and you sense her slowy getting pissed, she is still nice. cause she always explain herself nicely and patiently across so tt we all can understand. cheeers dear.

VERA: its been another experience serving with you, and we are just too similiar. learning to be vulnerable and humble.

RENFRED: (: you know, without renfred's D-ness, things can be quite delay and without his thoughtfulness, we really can forget alot of small small details. and of course his constant reminder keeps us going! and i really appreciate hisconcern for each of us, he will reminds us tt its dinner time when we are so busy with work, he will provides ways to make things better when i( yes, me) get so screwed up with the whole deco thing. (:

ELLIOT: hey. you toille (: i remb i told you before that you nv once talk to me for the past years in church. haha, and yes im thnakful for this chance to work with you. elliot is yes patient and he is can be really calm even when the team is not agreeing upon each other point. haha, and we always get him to explain each other point, cause he can do it really calmy and seriously, of course clearly. and i so so love the CD you made :D

SHUNLI: this guy, man, i think he really can lessen the tension and make us all burst out in laughter lah. and next time when you see him silent and deep in thoughts, he must thinking of how to make us laugh. (: and he is really efficient in doing things, he is serious in his work lah, and haha, i dont know what to say, but he is really fun to work with. i can see his CG members nodding in agreement (:

and you know i really cant help but post this pic of my dear guy members, they are so ________ (fill in for youselves. ) HAHA (:

pretty aint they ? (:

the event was great, but the planning and learning process from each of them is greater. love it all (:

and actually love...is God dying on the cross for our sins, while we were still sinner.

let that truth sinks in you.

yongling will grow to be a Big girl, that dont whines.

isolation, not bad.

2007-02-22T17:24:00.000-08:00

okay. im back to work.
and yes, thanks hannah for editing your recent post, heh. you saved yourself from chopper (:

4more working days and you will see me bugging ppl, hahas. no lah. anyways, working does change a person, in a way. as much as yongling knows she hates to grow up, she knows she has to. alot of things tt i used to hold onto, i have to learn to let go and look ahead. the fun, laughters, hangouts. to be independent, to think abt the future and think abt life. its no longer happy-go-lucky kinda when all you do is play and think abt future when only future comes. i guess the age of 18 is a stepping stone for alot of us, to grow to be more mature and think and speaks in wisdom. be it a working life, JC life, schooling life, we get mould in diff ways. for the past 18 years, we made mistakes and slowly learn from there, its sort of like trial and errors. till now as we start to be more on our own, we kinda of know whats right and whats the better next step to take. its nv easy and we still do make mistakes, but its a learning process and i shall call it the refining process.

started reading this book, "big girls dont whine." (and yes daryl, big girl.) and how it talks abt as much as we yearn to be a big girl, we still carry on our little girls behavior of whining. and you know what, so what if we whine, it doesnt solve the problem. being a big girl God intended and learning to make wise decisions on our own. sometimes when life gets so busy and stress, when everything seems falling apart, we simply hope to tt someone would take over as we hides ourselves in a nap. but learning to grow up and to be a grown up means facing the challenges and the greater responsibility to solve and trust God in crisis. someone shared with me before tt crisis is God way of getting your attention. i mean iits quite true and be thankful tt in are in a crisis because you know tt God loves you enough to want the best for you and knowing tt thru crisis, you will come out of it stronger.

well, i guess its time to work on my data-entry, if not i will nv be able to finish them lah. haha, but thru the process of working and typing everyday, millions and millions of thoughts flow thru your mind and i know i seriously hate thinking. and i hate to have feelings i guess. sometimes i wondered, isnt it great to be without feelings, then i wont be sad, disappointed, hurt, angry. okay, what abt being happy? frankly, i can forsake tt if sadness, disappointment, HURTS, pains and anger can be taken away.

talking abt God's love, i have yet own tt experience so dearly and close myself, but i know i will, in the pursuit and search for tt unconditional and unfailing love of Yours, one tt You alone promised to give. unworthy as im, i want to know tt You are God.

yongling going on a break, isolation sounds good these days.

cny, just another day

2007-02-19T17:28:00.000-08:00

chinese new year.

well, for me i guess the older i get, the lesser place i go. and i guess as time goes by, CNY is just another public hols. i know tt's quite sad but wells...

another i went to meet my dear cg leader for abt 5years for breakfast ytd ((: and the prata he ordered is nice lah, yes trust him more. ya, waited for tt slowpoke for awhile then went visiting. left his house and went to my gan-ma house for visitaion. oh i simply just love her k. (: i want to meet her and my kor for dinner soon! love :D stay there for the longest time ever. but that's maybe cause its my fav place for visitation every year !!(: there's so many ppl! alot of relatives and ppl, makes me feel happy to be ard! i dont have so many relatives lah, esp now tt i only go one place for visitaion alrdy. )):

chinese new year is another occassion tt my whole family really miss the presence of my dad silently. i can always remb the times when i was young... every sunday, daddy will wake us up to do some stretching exercises, so fun. and CNY!, we will wake up early and change into our pretty pretty clothes and mum and dad will get ready for us to go greet them. i miss the assuring smile on his face and whenever he smiles, somehow i know no matter how bad things may seems, it will be alrights. ... one year and 5 months. i miss you. the laughter, the anger, the songs, the car, the numbers, the workshop, those supper, those nasi lemak, those teochew porridge, those presents, those times. those memories held so close.

met the ray calebs and all for supper. altho they didnt eat lah, thanks for their company still (: they are quite a special bunch of ppl. ha, remb i used to hang out with them, funny craps.

ah, its just another day. i want to watch movie and i cant wait for school to start soon and sat debrief i church and dinner ! ah, im feeling weird today, maybe cause i got a feeling someone is really pissed off with me and maybe if tt person could, he will run after me with chopper ): ):

i need a break man, really.

"give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning" okays tts random.

diff ppl are gg diff houses today. and open house on CNY kinda of thing is really very subjective one. haha, better dont self invite, like past years i open my house got alot of ppl. but to me its the more the merrier! haha, but maybe i love to have my cg ard most. anyway, i might be going to my dearest bigfreak house later then hopefully can head down to leow house.

okay, ah im realy not thinking properly. bummer.

"if my heart has grown cold,

there Your love will unfold.

walk in His strength alone (: " thanks daryl.

i was just wondering how you know i sounded "er" when its just a msg. ha, im thankful tho tt you always understand. (: even at times i really dont want to try to explain. hey, waffles 1st tues of march k? (:

MERV: im really. sorry, i really didnt mean it. forgive me can? i really wanted to go, really. trust me.

RAY CALEBS SARAH LUCILLE VERA VAL: hey hahas, for the 1st 5 names, thanks for meeting up for supper really, tho you all were so full and tired alrdy. sorry for ps-ing for dinner, and i guess both ways lah hor. ha *opps i see calebs staring at me, hahas* okay okay, sorry. (: thanks still, really really appreciate it lots k. we shall have a supper gang. for the last two names start with V, haha, thanks for opening up your house (: loves.

wells, yongling running away!

my heart has grown cold, will you unfold Your love soon...?

blah blah

2007-02-18T06:30:00.000-08:00

okay new blogskin.
hey someone print my blog posts out for me pls (:

yongling gonna fly!

fly without wings!

2007-02-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

i was reading blog posts and something caught my eyes.

who is God to you?

i pondered for awhile and i kept silence.
i guess i really cant answer that question.
you will find all the model ans in the bible..

God is love

God is the sheperd

God of all nations

God the father

God is king

God is salvation.

Merciful God

God of grace

God of peace

God of the poor, rich, heartbroken.

God the healer

God the strength

God is our tower

God is our shelter

...

and the list goes on.

but yongling is wondering, who is God really to her personally. and the question is who is God to you?

"i dont know. i give up."

through these few months of falling and learning to stand up stronger, i see myself still where i was broken. "hey come on lah, move on, look the world is gg fine and who cares abt ... ."- i keep telling myself. but strangely, as much as i thought i had move on due to those of self-psycho-ing, i stopped, look back and i see the same distance travelled, look ahead, i saw the same endless path and that when u came to realised tt, hey im still at the same point. same feelings, same tiredness, same emptiness, same unspoken tension, same scars, same broken joy, same restless-ness, same disrupted peace, same hurting thoughts. same silence, same rejections.

God, who is God to me. no, God, i cant anymore, you stretch it to my limit alrdy. You made me, you should know me better. i cant move, im so stuck and and im looking everywhere but i just cant find your grace and i cant find myself. if You care enough, would you help me? i need to go away, somewhere to find that something. and to find that peace and strength to live and go on. if you care enough, hold me closer.

i cant go any further alrdy, You stretch me to my limits. the limits that you set for me.

You give and take away/.

whats left is my un-stretchable limits, my broken-ess, my joyless-ness, my broken and contrite heart, my hurting thoughts, my sadness, my sorrow, my hatred, my anger, my tirednes. if you love me enough, would you continue to use them for Your glory?

and if You are kind enough, would You take over and lead the way, cause im lost.

and God, if You love me enough, would You show it to me again and help my own that unfailing love you gave to me?

yes, God, pls be unfailing. unfailing love, let it take over my heart.

lost for words and thoughts are drifting away.

2007-02-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

looking ard the crowded train today/
something caught my attention.
i saw the saddest face today on my way to work.
...so downcast and joyless
i wondered to myself, what has caused that face to be so sad, so down.
i saw that tiredness in the eyes, and those pain and hurts left unsaid, not dealt with.
i saw an unfamiliar face.
why caused the changed?

what i saw?

my reflection.

i need that joy and real-ness back..

God, which one is You? everything is breaking away.

2007-02-06T19:40:00.000-08:00

i once was lost
but now am found.

love
so amazing
so divine.
demands my soul my all.

my joy is in You, Lord
my hope is in You, Lord.
my strength is in You, Lord.

in the midst of storms and fears.
MY Lord knows the way.

random thoughts of How great God is, and always will be.
He wont fail us.

2007-02-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

"Precious Lord, reveal Your heart to me. "

i need a retreat soon, yes. something tt ive been wanting to do for very long beside going on diet, haha. okay, on a more serious note, ya i need a retreat soon and the ideal place is somewhere near the beach. listening to the sound of waves, feeling the wonderful cooling breeze, staring at the vast sky and just be amazes at His creation. i need to go away...

"dont you say why were the old days better, just because you are scare of the unknown. take my hand and walk..."

working been okay and im ending work end of this month i think. and rumors has it, results coming out on fri. bummer. ministry has been getting okay and im getting better bit by bit.

another decision i made, to let go and focus on my ministry and the more important things tt God has called me to. im re-priortising and im really letting go of things tt i really dont want to. but i know with His strength and joy in my life, i can move on much more.

been walking ard shopping malls and roads alone after work and just thinking of life, my life. the more i think, the more i want to be convicted to do God's will for my life. i look back at what is happening in my life now, i thank God for answering those prayers i prayed last time, to love like He loves and to understand what it means for Him to love us so much. altho being in this process of moulding, i never regret praying those prayers and i just give thanks tt God is answering.

when im weak then im strong. relationships with people, i want to commit it into His hands too, He knows better. its time to surrender and let go and grow from there.

"Lord, help me to choose to forgive...

what we say to each other in anger...
the enemy searches for that and i ntime will destroy the blessed reunion
Our Lord God has joined.
so we must choose, choose to forgive.
placing all pride aside and choose to forgive.
...
when moments of misunderstandings and pain, with all silence can keep us apart.
if only we open the door, His love will restore all brokeness in our hearts.
so we must choose to forgive. "

Lord, all im is yours.

im nothing, unworthy of your beautiful love.

yet You gave Your all

take me Lord, be on that throne.

2007-01-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

cause all You are

is all i want

always.

did You rise the sun for me? or paint a million stars that i may know Your majesty?

Lord, everything that ive been struggling, crying over, those hurts and pains, i leave it at the cross. Use them for Your glory sake. Renew me, and Lord, pls grant me Your joy. Thankyou for the times when You showed me the hard way that joy can only be found in You alone. i want to cling on and i pray for Your hand to hold me.

who am i? compared to Your glory?

Lord, im Your beloved.

2007-01-29T16:56:00.000-08:00

im at workplace again. and im really sick of it...
results outta soon, whatever.

if i could, i will post my last entry again. cause it really speaks alot... of how i feel and how hard im struggling. really very hard. i cry myself to sleep most of the nights. and yes i hate night time. and now, i think i hate day time too...

i have always been ard, but you never seems to bother.

i was just thinking, life's really diff with Jesus? life's harder i guess. and lonlier. i really need a breakthough and i need to move on. i need to move on...

you made me like this and you struck me till im left with nothing. but i want to pray painfully tt you will grow up and you will see, tt you hurt me so deep. and i hope i could say i hate you but i know God will not allow.

I am looking past the shadows
In my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one is you
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

...

yongling want to end all.

kill me?

2007-01-27T06:25:00.000-08:00

okay, back to blogging. and in a way, thinking and wondering out loud.

past weeks have been busy and really tiring. with work, plannings, meetings and alot of stuff to do. and in the midst of all these, im so tired, so hurt by things happening ard and i still feel so broken. yes, broken. with the things i found out, realised, the lies, the promises and expectations not met. and everything boils down to hurts, pains , disappointments and discouragement once again.

guess im really learning to grow up and i really understand what pastor kenny says when he says tt the higher you go in leadership, the lonlier you gets. even with ppl ard, im and i feel lonely. im really downcast and seriously sad these weeks.

in the midst of re-building myself, i get hurt more and more. my relationships with ppl, working with others of diff personalities, coping with home, working at office, walk with God, so so so many other things. and esp my walk with God and relationships with ppl, i think its the worse and i really feel like such a failure lah. even if its others who hurt me, i still try to be good and all, but all i felt is tt i keep trying and trying and trying and trying and trying but no one appreciates and see tt im trying. altho God sees... i really feels like i fail really badly, you know? connecting with ppl and all. im really dead discouraged already. and you know, i really dont want to try anymore. cause i dont dare. most of the times i just feel like a human dart board, ppl just aims at me. and i really realised and found out about the things ppl talks abt me, and how words spread and how impression of me changes in others view?not one, but three or four you know? no, im not going to be defensive anymore, i shall just let God play His part. im REALLY DAMMMMMM sick and tired of all these nonsense, im ready to let go of all my friends and even kor if it comes to a point tt i have to. want all, TAKE IT.

"God, help me, i really need to learn to move on from all these really deep hurts and i need to go on in life. take control of my thoughts and Lord, set me free by your grace, i feel so trapped and im so hurt, really. i felt tt ive lose almost everything. family, kor(which consists of alot of things, trusted friends, joy, love, precious times, and most impt i think i lose myself and my way. build me up again, i really cant move and go on. im deeply sick emotionally.God, take take all those pain away...pain tt never heals."

I am looking past the shadows

In my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify

The voices in my head

God, which one is you

Let me feel one more time

What it feels like to feel alive

And break these calluses off of me

One more time

*every scar has a story to tell.
yongling just wants to be loved.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE JOYS AND LOVE WENT TO?

hurts tt YOU can never comprehend and HURTs that you think are nonsense and not necessary.

2007-01-25T23:58:00.000-08:00

im at work now.

im so bored.

im so tired.

im so sians.

im so so so sad )):

alrights, ciao. i looking for new blogskins, hannah! can you help me find change update? PLS :D trade this for chocolate? heh, good deal hor =p

get back to me soon. love.

yongling,ah, ))): i want original pocky, it makes me happier )):

(:

2007-01-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

wah, i blog whole lot and its gone. bummer. anyway, as my memories can take me, read on.

alrights, blog. blog. blog. blogging:

thanks God for today! :

*for His mercy(:
*for being on time for work
*for the working people in the offfice.
*for the opprt to share abt my church&ministy and for the chance to invite tony to church! [pray k? (: ]
*for laughters with my working people during lunch time.
*for kor and his decision abt mummy & all.
*for shern! :D, kor, sam , weisheng. dinner time is so special and precious to me can, when what you do everyday is work and feel so out of touch with them. and the rest in school. appreciate them for dinner (: thankyou kor.
*for movie partner! ah quan. always so encouraging and for his constant smses tt keeps me going too during hard work (:
*for garry! cause he is really nice! he's helping me gather info from poly courses! cause i got no time to go down for open houses, i got work. he nice right?! (:
*for my brother! he's back from army today! and he is so patient waiting to use this laptop lah.
*for sarah, twin. the long lastin g friendship with Christ in the center(:
*for His never ending love.

okay, i need to rest liao. yes a long one, not long post but duration. re-blog and talking to my cg online. its like a online meeting, they keep bombarding me with online msn, haha, quite coo. okay shall pray for them online:

DEAR FATHER IN HEAVEN:

JESS: i pray tt she can finish her work on time Lord. i pray and ask father tt you alone will give her strength theu tonight to finish up her work which is due tmr. i also want to pray tt you will cont to keep her safe in your arms, love her Lord.

GARRY: God, i give thanks for him! and Lord i pray tt as he tries to draw his engineering stuff, i pray tt you will grant him joy and your peace. assure him tt you are with him and tt you love him God (: father i want to pray for him tt you he will find rest in You. help him thru tonight and the rest of the days ahead o God. (:

FARAND: Father, you see the desires in his heart to be reminded tt there are things which are more impt than homework. and Lord i pray tt in the midst of his tight schedule, busyness, pressure and stress that You will cont to carry him. i pray tt You will also grant him strength thru everyday of school and doing homework, preparing BS and ministry. i pray and give thanks for this new CG leader of mine and tt You alone shall be the reason he do things each day.

IN THE THE NAME OF JESUS I COMMIT THEM AND MYSELF, AMEN.

okay, the rest? on my journal (: cause they are the ones who told me abt their requests. i still love you all ah. alrights, my neck's aching, nights(:

because of the Lord's great love

yongling.

2007-01-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

okay, this is going to be short (:

had a wonderful dinner with my life most wonderful people! (: kor, weisheng, sam and shern! enjoyed myself altho ps.shern cause me to change my original plan of going jogging with weisheng. im so glad i went out with shern and the rest :D and glad tt weisheng came too, ahaha, sory* we go jog soon k, pls and promise! (:

working today is boring. cause i got NOTHING to do (: but thank God i laughed abit and talked to the rest alittle. going to learn some tele-marketing! so exciting. more difficulties coming my way but i know it will be really fine. cause God knows i will be(:

alrights, time to sleep now. altho im still SO SO full! aw. and kor makes good nice garlic veg and my fav mushrooms :D thanks!

*majesty, Your grace has found me just as im

Empty handed but alive in Your hands

Singing Majesty

Majesty

Forever I am changed by Your love

In the beauty of Your Majesty

you cares.

yongling

love.

2007-01-15T07:06:00.000-08:00

went jogging/running just now at wdlands stadium with the lights off lah. had a good time. (:

work today was fine. i left a little later then usual and i really have to say sorry to daryl cause he waited for long haha. sorry* had dinner at home yeps. and then went stadium. and i met sam and daniel for lunch today! i was really happy, really. (: thanks!

i got nothing much to blog abt actually so i want to do my usual posts again like these:

DARYL: hey whatsup with those dreams? haha! :D okay, i better keep my mouth shut right. hey, thanks for today anyways (: for all the waiting and laughing and sharing and running and thinking and haha, and all lah. i appreciate loneliness too, i mean in a positive way ya. run on, with God's strength and His company and of course cont to trust for tt revivial. (:

WEISHENG: haha, surprise! anyways, glad tt you went for those overnight prayers and im sure God is really happy. keep on shining for Christ! work hard too, and meet up anyways. haha, cant imagine when you are gg army tho. heh. and remb what you owe me =P (:

GARRY: hey im glad tt we are in the same Cg now. keep growing in the Lord and lets keep this Cg going! (: study hard!

HANNAH: you too, is my bucket of joy&love. *hug.

BERYL: if i could, i would change position with you and be the one going thru all tt. but girl, i know i know its hard and its really hard. stand firm alrights? God has His plan and lets trust and obey k? He has our best at heart. love you dearly.

XIMIN: min ah!!! thanks for tt ten. it kinda save me haha . lols. enjoy school too k? we all have monday blues, but you know God is still the same God on monday. (: jiayou. movies ya?

KUNQUAN: talking abt movies, my movie partner! :D thanks for accompanying me all these while. thru msges and all, really appreciate you :D thanks movie partner! cant express how grateful im lah, having such wonderful MP ard! (:

KOR: study hard ah. well, God is love (:

okay, and more and more and more...

to be continued, i got work tmr and im so dying now. sleepy yongling shall go to bed. (:

because you are a God tt doesnt need to sleep and a God tt watch over me every single moment, even now. i can sleep and wake up in peace and knowing tt im under your everlasting love.

When I woke up today

And thought of all the things You’d done

I find myself here

Feeling oh so overcome

You gave Your life away for me

Truly my heart belongs to You

So let me say

How could I ever thank You for

What You did at Calvary

When You bled and died for me

How could I ever turn away

Knowing that You paid the price

That I could never pay

When I think of the way

That You died upon that Cross

Bearing my sin

Even though my heart was lost

yongling says goodnights.

:D

2007-01-14T07:10:00.000-08:00

"christian life are meant to be lonely."

this sentence struck me all the time. well,talking abt loneliness, its true tt christian life are meant to be lonely. the things we go thru and struggle, others can never undertstand and its something we have to walk through it ourselves, no one can walk for us. (: through diff things, i see tt God is working and of course alot of times we dont see and we just complain, its been a learning journey. and indeed, i can say tt its a lonely one.

had dinner with identified today without jo. nothing much to comment abt, just want to let beryl know i'll be praying for her. and for the rest, i hope sch's been okay. i really hope tt meeting up isnt a burden for you all. like really hope so.

im thankful tt im so different from the others and im really glad im. the things i think, say, do, simply everything. altho i got rejected most of the times, i know God has a plan. and times when others make me feel so small and with all the "what? are you sure? no?! yongling?!?! " kinda of looks and reactions, i know God feel for me and He alone shall be my defender. (:

im in this process of refining and learning which everyone will agree tt its not easy. alot of complains still, to God. and somehow i know tt He's listening and perhaps smiling down from heaven saying, "precious child, i have your best at heart. (: " and somehow the image of the father running towards the prodigal son when he finally returns always flash through my mind. i cant deny tt God is good, and i need to instill it in my heart too. He will not bring us to where His grace cannot sustain us. so lets hold on to that of His sufficient grace and endless love and run for the audience of One. and imptly, pray.

yongling needs to be back. and she's learning to love and be loved, to forgive and to be forgived. as much as i hurt others, i get hurt alot too. i need a touch from heaven (:

I stand here before You
In wide opened wonder
Amazed at the glory of You
The power of heaven
Revealing Your purpose in me
As I'm reaching for You

your love has got a hold on me.*

many times, christian walk are not full of ups. and alot of downs times, its hard to praise and thank God. but remb tt worship is not due to cicumstances. *hugs to all. He have been faithful and He has been a friend this lonely season (:

working tmr. pray tt i will be willing and joyful (: cause i want to and God calls me to. meeting sarah for dinner and sam for lunch tmr. and i need to wake up early tmr. bye! encouraged and thankful because the God of the universe cares abt your life. (:

because You gave your all, i can love and be more than loved.
yongling.

my father.

2007-01-12T08:09:00.000-08:00

prayer meeting was good (: and i had supper with uncle chan wah, ray and sarah. :D

thru the prayer meeting, when we were praying for family revivial, i just cant stop thanking God and crying out to Him. i had a wonderful family. im so blessed since young. esp when ps kenny was talking abt loving leadership of the husbands, i look back and i think. i praise God on behalf of my mummy, cause my dad has been one of the man that really takes good care of the family and really loves mum for who she is. dad never throws temper at us when he had hard times at work. he has always been so understanding, towards us and of course mummy. and i thank God for a father that loves and keeps loving and cares and keeps caring even it hurts. and i must say tt daddy has been a great role model tt im sure my brothers and i can look up to. and my parents marriage is one tt i can look up to too. my father is a businessman and he has alot of friends, which i called them uncles, tt had extra-affair outside of their marriages. and my dad dont smoke. my brothers and i surely can look up to him. how he treats the family, how he treats mummy. he is a good father. and in my heart, he will always be. im sure if my brothers is reading these, they will agree in unison.

and maybe cause he is such a good father, husband, brother(to his siblings, really!), man and friend, it hurts so much to see him leave...not as a child of God. i question God and i keep asking. but you know what. all i can say is tt, trust and obey for there's no other way. His ways are higher tt we can never understand. so much have been happening in my family the past years tt i keep struggling. and even as im blogging now, my 2nd brother is quarreling with mummy outside my room. *faints. oh pls pray for my mum now k? she got problem walking and even trying to stand up. we dont know whats wrong. probably gg doc with her tmr.

going for dawn prayer later. alrights. should stop blogging right?

oh and i want to thank God for my cg. they have always been ard and i know God placed them for a great purpose. and i want to praise God for aggie. cant really tell y i thank God for her for, but deep inside, somehow i know i need to praise God for her. and indeed, my suffering is another person's ministry. love (:

*the fray- how to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

*God, help me to still trust and hold on even when i dont understand and help me to walk on at times when i cant run and soar on high. Lord, be my Father. help to love You wholeheartedly.

because You deserves it all, and i like what joshua's shirt today says: His pain, my gain. He alone is worthy.

and i shall be loved.

love me can.

2007-01-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

okay, this is going to be a short one cause im so sleepy. (:

1stly, thanks all who have been praying for me and pls keep on praying cause i know those prayers will sustain me a long way. work have been okay, today wasnt tt smooth. with all the rain, not saving, re-doing, rushing and ya da ya da. but thanks God i made it thru lah. and thanks to my dear movie partner and daryl for accompanying me thru work today. nah, not physically, but thru msges and mentally (:

2ndly, mummy is so nice can! she cooked dinner for me today and every morning she makes sure i ate breakfast before i leave for work. and today it rained! i was stuck at workplace for at least one hour plus. and finally i reach sunplaza and she was there! cause somehow the rain got heavier and she brought umbrellas for me. (: love. when i start to realise more abt the things ard me, i know im loved. by diff pple.

3rdly, tmr's friday! (: im happy cause sat NO WORK. say yeah! and and there's prayer meeting at night in church :D and and sat have CG outing at shaun's house. BBQqqqqqqqqq! and yes i finally can go nat's house. yippppeeee. anyways, im looking forward to the outing with my new combined CG. double power! :D

fourthly, aw, im starting to miss you all.all your presence! and miss hanging out with you all. lucille, sarah, my super breadman(sam.c, he makes me laugh! :D), cg,sam, kor, beryl, ps shern!, and more more more. okay, i must be happy and i want to be happy.

and lastly, i want to be tt cheerful yongling again! and you shall see.

*pray for me k. PLS. thanks.

bummer.

2007-01-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

just came back from work not long ago. met mummy for dinner again, shop at sunplaza for awhile too.

was just wondering about relationships with ppl, not BGR kinda. indeed, people in my life, come and go. people always say treaure and cherish friends and ya da ya da. but i've come to realised tt no matter how hard i treasure and cherish, they still leave. what's the point? okay, stop getting emo here yongling. lalala~ but on a more serious note, im sure tt realisation is true. no examples to state here, but if you know me, you know who(s) i meant. and im sure, good things dont last. they never did.

okay, dont really know what to blog and to talk abt. i simply hate insecurities lah. go away NOW.

...

give me a life man, i miss those times.

okay yongling, time to move on. its a new year. somethings can never be the same after you made your choice. including me i guess.

was looking for another song lyrics when i chanced upon this one:
*blind- lifehouse
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

nah and this is not the one i want im looking for too, but wells read on:

*everything changes

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
would it matter anyway?
would it change how you feel.

I am the mess you chose
the closet you can not close
The devil in you I suppose
'cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel.

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
through this part of the day

But everything changes
if I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
then I could learn how to feel

Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world

If we could
Say that forever
It's more than just a word
If you just walked away

What could I really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway
It wouldn't change how you feel.

yongling gonna hold on. till the day i see You face to face.

You simply broke me down.

another day. ):

2007-01-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

1st day of work today was okay. 1st, i had to figure out where's tt place and thanks to sam for helping too. ha, reach there alittle early and things was pretty okay, the ppl there are quite nice and friendly. i dont know alot of them cause im in a room with the asst manager so like hardly can talk to the others. im helping out with some accounts stuff, man, its ALOT of figures lah, i almost go blind can. im tired now.

but well, working alone mah, so the feeling is quite weird. and most of the time im alone in the room. guess its easier for satan to attack my mind and thoughts while im alone. i really feel so weird and i think i feel really sad. somehow i had this super abandoned feeling and the feelings just sucks, and it kinda spoil my whole day. )): i think maybe its insecurities, and i hate insecurities, really. i used to feel so secure one can )): need to find security in Jesus again, i really need to. if nt i think i will go crazy and depress lah.

): i miss watching movies!and esp with my movie partner! i wan to watch movies! and i want to go out with the ppl* i really want to! ):

pls pray for me k? i really need to be happy, you know. and pray tt God will fill my thoughts with more of Him*

insecurities go away NOW. you are never welcome here or even anywhere!

yongling really wants to go closer with God and get those thoughts outta her mind. let her rant and bite pls! and yongling just wants to be loved again. pls?

2007-01-07T17:44:00.002-08:00

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?

http://shineforChrist-.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

give me time to rebuild myself.

2007-01-07T17:44:00.001-08:00

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?

http://shineforChrist-.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

give me time to rebuild myself.

2007-01-07T17:44:00.000-08:00

hey people. check out the SFC's blog k?

http://shineforChrist.blogspot.com
keep it alive and going, just like we are going to keep SFc alive and going.

(: (:

give me time to rebuild myself.

2007-01-07T06:14:00.000-08:00

ah, so irritating! i need a paper cutter! NOW ))))):

oh okay anyways, had watchnight ytd at lucille's house. it was good, i mean altho its not as WOW as all the previous one, but it was okay. all the bonding and laughing haha. and i reach home at 4plus today. (:

ya, read daryl's blog. amazed at how he can always blog SO long. which is good lah. and thanks for being encouraging tho. and you. hahaa. figure it out yourself.

im starting to feel alittle weird without school while most of you all are schooling. well, its a weird feeling. i mean im starting to miss sch ppl and i heard tt my ex-form teacher leaving for New Zealand. im quite sad, but i really pray tt things will turn out good for her and her family. without school, leave me with plently of free time and it always make me feel guilty not spending it wisely. thank God im going to work soon. i'll be praying.

sometimes i wonder what it really means and what it really takes to lead and serve. and talking abt being real, how would you know whether you are real enough to say tt im being myself, being real. ah, im getting confused by what im trying to put across also, aw, as always. wells. maybe to me, serving requires right motive and a willing and humble heart. maybe it applies to leading too. being humble is important ya. and i think tt the very important thing for me is tt, a leader should be able to care for their "sheeps". im thankful tt WEFC is a church tt i can grow in and the youth ministry are really great and our leaders are committed. as i look up at the older leaders in youth ministry for guidance, i can imagine tt the younger ones will one day also lookup to me too. i want to be a leader that when others look to me for guidance others will see Jesus in me. i want to serve God with of course the most important thing to me, willingness. to me, without willingness, i think we would have a good attitude towards doing God's work and serving His people.

bye to 2006. all the negatives and pain and hurts.
And as another new week of 2007 begins, its time to really live for Him. yes, its easier said than done. struggles along the way, and giving up is always an option but the decision lies with you. i pray tt i will see all of you at the finishing line, including myself.

remember God always see the heart. only the heart matters.

i know you cares, you always do.

movies par tner rocks.

2007-01-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

random:

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
kunquan!!!!

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
ha, im just being me. randomly

Wanna hear you say.... says:
ya

Wanna hear you say.... says:
i know

Wanna hear you say.... says:
its my movie partner u are talking about

Wanna hear you say.... says:
haha

*yongling; wonders of Your love. says:
HAHA

yeps, tt's my MOVIE PARTNER! : D :D he knows me okay! movies movies movies. <333>movies without him are sad )): SAD

okay. i need to go bathe soon and prepare to go out. (: CHURCH AND WATCHNIGHT! love.
and i want to wear yellow! its my HAPPY COLOUR. :D because yellow makes me smile.

wonders of Your love.

2007-01-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

okay, i will prob sleep late tonight. need to plan for this year and to reflect on certain things and on 2006. and i writting some cards too.

JPM was great today. prayed with brother eujin and timo. they have been great ppl to hang on with and sometimes even to disagree with. i thank God for them and for the opportunity to serve with them. they are really not tt hard to love((: they are special and unique, the way God created. amen for that!

tmr is going to be a new start for youth minstry. i dont know abt you, but im excited abt this change and im looking forward to what God had in store for this minstry, and of course SFC. floorball tmr at 9.30am and the hall is not confirm booked and leonard says we should go by faith, haha. and tt reminds me tt sometimes, we just have to do things and go by faith. trust and obey :D

2006 has been a year of knowing more of myself and learning to love myself for who God created me to be. and realising more of my weaknesses and flaws and learning to accept them and to be humble and surrendering more of me to God. it has been a struggle, to love God and His ppl when sometimes i find it hard to even love myself. 2006, a year of struggles and really learning things the hard way. but a special year of having alot of God's attention, forgiveness and love.

*im Yours.
Oh Lord
When I think of all You've done
My heart sings of Your love
That saved my soul
And made me whole
My life is Yours

Cause You paid the price
I give You my life, I'm Yours

So no matter what the cost
I will go for You
No matter what it takes, I'm Yours
Because You paid the price at Calvary
I give You my whole life, I'm Yours

Oh Lord
My everything to You I lift
My heart and soul I live
For You alone
I'm not my own
My life is Yours

I'm Yours
Jesus I am Yours

worship Jesus, cause He is the love, unfailing love.

wonders of His love.

choose to forgive.

2007-01-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

okay. hey im back to singapore! ah.(: i had a good time there with mummy. and i thank God tt He has been so good and so true thru the trip. before i went there, i thought i will be so bored! in fact at times but almost all the time, we shop, play, eat, walk, laugh and ha, scream and so much more. ha, 4days of stuff, too much to blog abt. =P

and knowing me, i love taking bus rides and the long hours of travelling really gives me time to relax and think. to sort out my thoughts and to worship God with my mp3. 2007, another new year. On the coach, i was just thinking back on the past year, 2006. and how i have been doing, be it good/bad. there have been alot of changes. and i have learned to come to give thanks because the Lord is good. for the 6-7hours on the coach back to Singapore, i really think alot, pray, and reflecting. cant really blog alot here, ha, CG watchnight on the 6th! ((: and yes, im quite looking forward to it and im really glad tt sam decided on watchnight again! :D

2006. alot of laughters. alot of brokeness. alot of sorrow. alot of trials. alot of mistakes. alot of tears. alot of pain. alot of learning the hard way. alot of emotional feelings. alot of low self-esteem. alot of low self-worth. alot of self-rejection. alot of scars and story to tell.but thru all these, what i know and see most clearly is alot of God unconditional love and His attention on me.

*complete
Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

*placing all pride aside and with His love decide...to forgive. choose to forgive.

wonders of His love.

He know best

2006-12-30T07:31:00.001-08:00

*sorry.

i will pray and see how God works. i dont expect anything in return and i really thank God tt im feeling better. ((:

wonders of His love.

He know best

2006-12-30T07:31:00.000-08:00

*sorry.

i will pray and see how God works. i dont expect anything in return and i really thank God tt im feeling better. ((:

wonders of His love.

be strong.

2006-12-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

going to meet amanda later at causeway! : D

one thing i've been learning is to not let my emotions rule over me. which has been something tt have been so real and its a big struggle. and after gonig thru so much, i struggle to praise God at times. i see myself slowly being outcast. was doing QT ytd and was on the issue of fear. (altho its not the main thing of the QT but i felt tt it is, for now.) fear.

and i wanna to say tt i really understand when ppl says they find it hard to share and be vulnerable infront of pple. for the past 1year i felt tt way. sharing and being open have not been easy. know why? because when you share, ppl judges you. (okay, depends on who). im not pin-pointing at anyone but well, ppl judge. i've been feeling like tt for the longest time and its not because i dont want to share my problems with you but cause you judges. you judge.

only God can judge me*

fear. fear of being left alone. fear of losing to others. fear of losing pple ard you.fear of rejection. fear of uncertainties. fear of being outcast/ unoticed. fear of darkness. fear of knowing your own self. fear*

i dont need to impress anyone but dont judge me when you dont even know me.

yongling's not gonna cry.

His love endures

2006-12-29T06:09:00.000-08:00

had quite a okay day today. met lucille and sarah to do something cool today. then met mindy and beryl for lunch and talking session! quite cool.

met pastor shern :D and frankie for dinner. i love laughing with them. oh wells.

aw, i been dreaming tt i failed 'O' levels. )):

sometimes i just feel weird that why do ppl hate to be judged yet judge others so easily? i really hate to be judged and well, its something i need to learn to face. seriously, i think tt alot of ppl dont know me. and therefore, i cant really blame others when things happen in a weird way.thank God He knows my struggles and the many times i pray tt i will be firm in Him. He's great enough. and i will stop defending myself and prove you wrong, but God shall be my defender and the center of all my friendships.

i really appreciate the friendship i shared with lucille&sarah. i mean there are really times when we just shared and even at times when we just dont talk, and we all know tt each other company is enough. if you girls are reading, i really thank God for you(s). i know there are times we just pissed each other off, whether known/not, i thank God for those times. perhaps recently i've been less of myself, but know tt i will be fine soon and of course with God and sisters like you(s), life wont get tt bad. perhaps its just the 'dry' period and i see the things ard me falling and seeing more of how God word really stands forever. and im learning to hold onto the things tt stand forever. i guess you all know what i mean. and one thing i really love abt you all is tt you understand what im feeling despite not explaining much.((: i love the times when you all nod in agreement and of course the tears and laughters.

i still love hazelnut ice cream. and sunset way. : D

meeting amandaTAN tmr. the crazy girl. for hmmm let me think, i dont know! then camp afterglow! havent decide whether to go not. im in the camp too. heh. i need to talk. and thrash things out with you guys, really. i will be mentally prepared, at least try. ((:

yonglingLOVESmovies! &esp with movie partner! : D

2006-12-27T21:30:00.000-08:00

bring those irritating thoughts away.

* all i once held dear;

take it all!

2006-12-27T05:16:00.000-08:00

(: im so feeling better. and im not hurting tht bad anymore! YEAH> (:
finally. OUTTA OF MY THINKING! :D

*Jesus take the wheel.
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Goin' home to see her mama & her daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to a shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said, "I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me Oh, why, oh

our confort are not God's highest priority*

yongling LOVES cycling. (:

(: blogging is great.

2006-12-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

countdown in church (:

find tt weirdo! hee =P

mindy's SO pretty rights!? :D

not so bright right? cause mindy cover alittle of the camera flash! (:

25dec:

i went for a walk! hahas, quite a cool&weird one. i walked from my house to the long lane which lead to SLE(BKE) then yes, walked up to SLE then from there walked down to causeway. its pretty cool. i walked for abt one hour plus at the expressway. its quite a wow feeling. no i dont have sucidal thoughts ah. i just keep walking and my thoughts just get better and better. and thank God im just feeling better now. met sam for dinner at causeway(: we watched a movie! i really feel better meeting sam and just catching up! (: and i really praise God for sam! he spent christmas with me lah, if not i will be so so so bored. and he is always there, really (: God is good, cant be any better.

26dec:

okay, today is cool. (: i went out with mummy the whole day, its been long man. we did something really wow. like we went to the tavel agency @ sun plaza, and booked a trip to genting right away. hahaa, four days 3nights. im really looking forward to it and i guess she really needs a break tt's y i insisted for a holiday. wells, maybe i think i need it too. but its only gonna be me and her. and i think im started to feel kinda worried and scare. cause i mean what if we really have nothing to do there and i really hope it turn out well you know. pray k. PLS. (:

okay then after the thrill of booking the trip we went to daddy's office. and we stayed there for abt 2hours and left for SHOPPING@ this fashion! i finally bought my jeans and mummy got me a top! (: loves.

sometimes i feel that actually im a little afraid of spending time with mummy. i dont know why. maybe cause i know she's really hurting&grieving still, and i dont know how to deal with it. and maybe cause im still grieving&hurting too and its an issue that deep inside we both know we wont want to talk abt. i really feel very sad&sorry for her. really.. ): so going to genting with her ONLY next week will be a big challenge for me.. to be able to minister to her. so i really need to trust God for it. so dearest ppl, really must pray. i've never feel this way before, little bit scare, little afraid, little excited, little worry.. hmmm i dont know.

okay, anyway, i going east coast tmr! helping out joshua with the younger ones who have just been promted to youth ministry! hooray! pray for compassion and love ya! (: i really need a break too man! and i want to cycle really really badly! loves! and twinne will be there too! : D

alrights, should leave this blogger.com now. ha (: spend more time watching tv with mummy! love.

this life? its not about me. knowing that Jesus is the center of everything? like what cadbury says, wouldnt it be nice? : D

LONELY CHRISTMAS

2006-12-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

countdown to christmas in church ytd.

reach home at 2am.
slept at 3plus. cause i cant sleep. aw, i hate night time when i need to sleep and morning when i wake up. AAHH

im so bored today, so so bored. all because of someone who broke that promise. whatever. not worth my tears. and not worth me trying and trying again. freaks. hate it when pple say they will be ard but wont. those cards are fake to eh. OUT OF MY LIFE.

every lies have a reason behind it? well i guess so.

ah, im so so damm freaking bored. maybe i will go for a jog. im feeling super irritated by some pple who always hurt pple, damm self-centered can.

YONGLING HATE HER THOUGHTS.

whatever.

2006-12-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

not a very good idea to blog your emotions here so im not going to blog that im sad.

HAHA. WHATEVER. BUMMER.

im meeting AMANDA later. she's the only one who wants to write cards with me! i LOVE her. cause we can always CRY TOGETHER. :D

still deciding whether to go service later/tmr. ah! hate to think. HA. cause tmr is beryl baptism. but i feel like going for service later. what a hassle to think.

oh and im out of reach .HA. my phone break off from my SIM card, so they are apart now. they need rest and a break man. ha, from pple tt dont reply and respond. BACK OFF.

dinner at sam's house was great. and i simply thank God for such wonderful sam in my life. really. (: i love sam! :D :D and he teaches SS and alot of things with patience to a impatient girl like me. :D serious note: i learnt alot of things from you. :D

okay. i need to go prepare to meet amanda soon!

yongling HATE her thoughs//

I cant sleep
Everything I ever knew
Is a lie, without you

I cant breathe
When my heart is broke in two
There's no beat
Without you

You're not gone, but you're not here
Is this the way it seems tonight
If we could try to end these wars
I know that we can make it right
'Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight, no more

How can I live
When everything that I adore
And everything I'm living for
Girl its in you

I can't dream
Sleepless nights have got me by
The only dream I ever had
Is being with yo

u
I know that we can make it right
Its gonna take a little time
Lets not leave ourselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line (that line)

Remember that, I made a vow
That I will never let you go
I meant it then, I mean it now
And I wanna tell you so

I don't wanna fight no more (oh no)
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness thats in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, I'm hoping we can start tonight (can we start)
Cause I don't wanna fight, no more

Cause I dont wanna fight, no more
Its a lie, without you, without you

whatever. troubles.

2006-12-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

just came back from dinner with the really funny ppl. (:
thanks sam! SO MUCH. :D

i tried sending out an e-mail and it failed. two times. but i really hope he receive. ha. oh wells. i really really really hate myself for being so emotional lah. i mean in alot of things. not just the issue now but i've always been. and i guess alot of things like i said, i learnt it the hard way. and i know im learning something now too, the really hardest way for me. gives and take away. i know one day He will take away and perhaps i should start to prepare earlier but well, now im at least trying to, but the harder way... while the hurt may (really) slowly fades, the missing deepens, each and every single day.

sometimes i hate to think. and i dont like to have thoughts. cause for now i guess almost all the thoughts hurt. blah. whatever lah.

and my brother's friends are ard. whatever. BYE

watch me die? ha, amanda, i will drag you along with me up the pit. i promise. i know God will help! LOVE>

RUN!

2006-12-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

i just wrote 2 long christmas cards to 2 special persons (: at least used to be extra-special. oh wells.

i remb everytime when christmas is near there wil be this msg passing ard and hey i got this again this morning from brother eujin! it goes something like this:

"He had no servants yet the called Him Master, no degree yet they called Him Teacher, no medicines yet they called Him Healer, no armies yet kings feared Him, He won no military battles yet He conquered the world, He commited no crime yet they crucified Him. He was buried yet He lives today. His name is Jesus, wonderful savior."

im always amazed by that. and altho year after year i received the same thing, im still encouraged by it. (:

being random. i seriously hate the feeling of being hurt. okay, like who likes it? and ya, alot of times i guess my emotions rule over me which is such a super terrible thing. well, learn it the hard way, yongling. now that im losing so much for Christ sake, i learn and pick up things along the way. i know life is so gonna be SO damm different but well, Jesus will be the same. altho i hurt, i cry, things wont change. so im going to say, im going to walk out! of what im in now and tt include you. heh.

major changes happening ard too. ah! i seriously hate changes cause im afraid. and i know im so going to miss alot of things and alot of ppl. *hugs ):

okay alrights.

BYE!

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wild world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to run
I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore
And imagine how i'll make the world a better place

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na...

If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool
I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
Sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark but don't bite

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na...

Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me
Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me from myself

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world...

loved.

2006-12-20T23:09:00.000-08:00

new URL again! ha, hannah is the 1st to know i guess. thanks dear, she is such a great help! :D i was browsing thru my past entries in my previous blogs and i chanced upon this entry:

Thursday, September 14, 2006

declared, broken. moulding in process.
*steven curtis chapman
I can see tears filling your eyes
And I know where they're coming from
They're coming from a heart that's broken in two
By what you don't see

I've watched the wind blow hard against you
And I have seen your faith get weakened by the pain
And I want you to know that I will be praying for you
To hold on
Don't let the fire die

The flame has been dimmed by the tears that you cry
But I can still see the spark of His love in your eye
So don't let the fire, please don't let the fire die
This heavy weight you carry around
Of letting yourself and everybody down
Is pouring water on the passion that use to burn so bright

Well I know you've got your reasons for resentment
And I know it's more than I can understand
So just let me say that I am going to be praying for you
To let it all go

JESUS, take it all...

and this is where the url comes abt. sparks of His love. the song "dont let the fire die"- steven curtis chapman has always been something that speaks right to me. (: and looking and reading those past entries, again , i see how i always fall upon God last time and i remembered how comforting it is just knowing that your God will always be there for you, to cry with, laugh with and for you to be loved.

im on this search, for that passionate for God girl i talked about that time. yes, im determined to find her. and i promise i will by His grace! i appreciate every single one of you out there, all the "are you okay?", " what's wrong?" , "wanna talk?" and even the smiles and simple msges. loves(:

lets do some dedications:

mindy! : thanks for talking to me online. (: you are a special sister-in-Christ that God placed in my life too. remb our movie deal?! heee! soon k? ann yes thanks for the box of disney biscuits, its terribly NICE! :D :D we go for some buffet thing soon k? i want to EAT EAT EAT. and like you say, i want to enjoy my holidays!

sarah: (: your presense just mean so much.i love the way you are, not questioning me or asking but just being there.

daryl: im so GLAD you are back! :D love. thankyou for your concern, really! musical later! <3

weisheng: hey. things getting fine ya. (: thanks for being a reminder of God's love. God gives grace to the humble right?remb? hahaa. im glad God brought you back to Himself!

ximin: (: you are just one precious girl in God's eyes.

HANNAH: thanks!!! <<333333333

beryl: i still enjoy taking care of you and being rant at by you. that's love. *hugs*

kor: takecare! changes happen. stay strong.

bigfreak: i love bigfreak! :D :D you are great, really. i love you being ard AT THE TIMES.! :D :D you makes me happy too! bright up my day!

okay now i feel like i just won some star awards. ha. alright. got to go, musical later! thanks daryl. im feeling sleepy. and i getting forgetful. did i just bathe, heh. bummer. okay yongling. the joy of the Lord shall be your strength. hang in there! as always, i know i will pull thru it cause God never let me go.

the storms of life proves the strength of your anchor.